I’m often asked about how to ‘tame’, ‘manage’, or ‘handle’ nappy hair. Truth be told, there is only one way to address nappiness. This is a secret that has been passed down through the centuries.

This is a secret that has been in plain view for centuries. It is one that you might not want to hear. The secret….is…..simply to… accept it. Fully accept it, NOT grin and bear it. Embrace it!

Below are the stages of grief, but I think they can be applied to what I like to call Nappiness Acceptance.

Denial means refusal to admit the truth or reality.

Self-denial means a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality.

1. Denial: We often tell ourselves that relaxing or perming our daughter’s hair will make it easier to take care of and make it hurt her less when it is combed. We tell ourselves SHE wants straight hair because her best friends have straight hair. We tell ourselves that we don’t want her to STAND OUT because she’s the only one in daycare or school with nappy hair. We tell ourselves, we want her to have high self-esteem and not be self-conscious.

Anger means a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism (opposition).

2. Anger: We often ask ourselves ‘why me?’ Why did MY daughter have to have nappy hair? Why couldn’t it have been silky and straight… or at least silky and curly? We think to ourselves ‘the ONLY way to handle it is to relax it’.

Bargain means to sell or dispose of by bargaining.

3. Bargaining: We often tell ourselves ‘I’ll let her get a kiddie perm because they are not so harsh’ or ‘maybe if I put a texturizer in it, it will look like she has good hair’ or ‘maybe if I get her hair extensions it will look better’ or ‘heck, I’ll just throw a wig over it’.

Depression means a state of feeling sad; dejection (lowness of spirits).

4. Depression: We often tell ourselves that our daughter is doomed by her headful of nappy hair. We think ‘she’s going to have hard time getting a date or getting a job’. We feel powerless, frustrated, and a little guilty because we or our significant other has passed down this ‘defect’ to our otherwise perfect little girl.

Acceptance means approval; approbation (praise); acceptation (favorable reception).

5. Acceptance: This is when you have hit the jackpot. You finally realize that there is nothing ‘defective’ about nappy hair. There is nothing about it that need to be fixed or corrected. Realize that in order to accept it, you have to know it. You have to stop being intimidated by it and let it show you what it can do…what it was CREATED to do. Stop attempting to make it become what it was never meant to become. It’s incredibly valid in its own right.

My children are biracial. When he was younger, my son said to me,”Mommy, I love your Ball Hair. I want Ball Hair, too”. I asked him what he meant. What he was referring to was my BAA (Big A Afro). I’m so blessed that he did not say ‘Mommy, I want straight hair like my friend _________’. He totally appreciates the naps and plays with them with fascination and glee.

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Definitions courtesy of Merriam Webster

Tags: BAA, Big A Afro, Nappiness Acceptance, secret to nappy hair
Filed under: Nappy Hair